Olympian Staff Meeting No 4526
by illjwamh
Summary: The Olympians have a staff meeting in order to decide what to do about the Trojan War. I didn't make anything up, but I put a pinch of parody into it.


This was paper I wrote for my Honors 101 class regarding the works of the ancient world. My professor said we could be creative, so I was. ^_^ It was a lot of fun because I had to try and portray actions without the use of stage directions. Enjoy!  
  
Olympian Staff Meeting #4625  
  
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTION Topic: What to do regarding the mortals' Trojan War  
  
Zeus: Order! This meeting will now come to order!  
  
Hera: Is everyone here?  
  
Poseidon: Everyone except Hades, but that's only to be expected.  
  
Zeus: Good. We have a lot to cover in this meeting, and our main topic of discussion is especially important. Mnemosyne, are you recording everything?  
  
Mnemosyne: Yes, of course.  
  
Zeus: I really do mean everything, you know. This is an extremely important discussion.  
  
Mnemosyne: I know. And I'm making sure to record every word spoken. What kind of stenographer would I be if I didn't? Much less a goddess of memory.  
  
Zeus: That's all right. Every word you say?  
  
Mnemosyne: This conversation we're having right now.  
  
Zeus: Yes um.of course. So, moving along, everyone does know what the focus of this meeting is, correct?  
  
Ares: I don't.  
  
Zeus: Honestly, do you ever pay attention? We're discussing the Trojan War, and what we should do about it. It's been going on for ten years now. It's getting rather ridiculous.  
  
Dionysus: Yes, they have put rather a bit of a din on things, haven't they?  
  
Zeus: I am now opening the floor to suggestions.  
  
Apollo: Well I've already made my standpoint clear. I don't trust that Agamemnon at all.  
  
Athena: Well, I must admit I agree with you slightly, but he did give the girl back.eventually.  
  
Apollo: Only after my plague wiped out a good chunk of his army. And even then he saw fit to steal Achilles' girl.  
  
Ares: You're just saying all that because you're on Troy's side.  
  
Apollo: Such a remark coming from someone who can't even decide which side he's on at all. And yes, you're damn right I'm on Troy's side. I put a great deal of effort into that wall, and I don't really care to see it torn down.  
  
Hermes: Just playing devil's advocate for a moment, Poseidon helped with that wall too if I'm not mistaken.  
  
Poseidon: True, but I have yet to decide where I stand on this issue.  
  
Hera: I say all this discussion is meaningless, because I for one will not rest until the house of Troy is utterly destroyed, and that little ingrate gets what's coming to him.  
  
Aphrodite: How dare you!  
  
Athena: I heartily agree.  
  
Zeus: Athena dear, I expect such pettiness out of Hera, but you are the goddess of wisdom. I'm surprised at you.  
  
Hera: What?? Excuse me!??  
  
Zeus: Er.I was merely making a point, dear.  
  
Hera: Don't give me that! You and I are going to have a heated discussion the moment this meeting is over!  
  
Athena: And furthermore, I frankly don't care, father. I will see Paris punished for the humiliation he put me through.  
  
Apollo: A fine protectress of Troy you turned out to be. Remind me never to ask you to take care of anything for me.  
  
Athena: YOU be quiet.  
  
Zeus: Enough! This is getting us nowhere. Now I know some of the rest of you have interfered as well, is that not true?  
  
Hera: Yes. The beauty queen over there pulled Paris out of a duel with Menelaus that could have put an end to the whole thing.  
  
Aphrodite: Hmph! I choose to ignore your pathetic attempt at a snide comment, and besides, you would've done the same for Achilles!  
  
Hera: I most certainly would not!  
  
Ares: Yes you would have, mother.  
  
Hermes: Don't you know when to stop talking?  
  
Zeus: Yes well, regardless of any of that, perhaps you should have just let Menelaus win so they could've finished.  
  
Hephaestus: You've had your hand to play too, father. Remember?  
  
Hera: Yes, that's right! That wretched Thetis begged you to turn the tide for Troy so that her precious son could feed his ego.  
  
Apollo: I find it incredibly amusing that you speak so highly of Achilles on his own, yet so lowly of him when speaking of his mother.  
  
Hera: You watch your tongue!  
  
Zeus: Yes well, that was merely a temporary adjustment. It had no effect on the actual outcome of the war, did it?  
  
Hera: Well that remains to be seen.  
  
Poseidon: Right. This is all very thrilling, but if you'll all excuse me, I'll be stepping out for a bit.  
  
Zeus: What? Now wait a.  
  
Apollo: He's gone.  
  
Hermes: Now where do you suppose he went off to?  
  
Zeus: It doesn't matter. No one is supposed to leave this room until I end the meeting. My brother will be receiving a rather large reprimand later.  
  
Athena: Can we just get on with it? What use was he anyway? He was making absolutely no contribution to the meeting to begin with.  
  
Dionysus: Yes, well neither am I really, yet I'm still here.  
  
Zeus: Can we get back on topic please?  
  
Athena: Gladly. I move to take into consideration the piety of both sides. Now the Greeks.  
  
Apollo: What are you talking about? The Trojans are being just as pious as the Greeks if not more so! Hector himself prays to you every night!  
  
Athena: You're just upset because of your stupid priest and his daughter!  
  
Apollo: I'll admit I remember it, but all has been forgiven. That's the difference between you and I. I can put grudges behind me.  
  
Hermes: [incoherent sound]  
  
Athena: You take that back!  
  
Apollo: No, I will not.  
  
Mnemosyne: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I must ask. Hermes, what was that you said a moment ago?  
  
Hermes: Oh, it was nothing.  
  
Mnemosyne: But I must know so that I may produce an accurate transcription of the meeting.  
  
Hermes: Oh all right, fine. If you must know, I was snickering.  
  
Mnemosyne: Oh, I'm sorry.  
  
Apollo: Snickering? Why you little.  
  
Mnemosyne: And Apollo dear? Would you like emphasis placed on the word "you" when you addressed Athena a minute ago?  
  
Apollo: Um.yes, please.  
  
Mnemosyne: All right then.  
  
Apollo: I'll deal with you later, you little cow-stealing brat.  
  
Hermes: [assumably more snickering]  
  
Zeus: Well I know where a lot of you stand, but there's still a few we haven't heard from.  
  
Apollo: Yeah, you're right. What do you think about all this, sis?  
  
Artemis: Oh no! I'm not getting involved in any of this. The rest of you can work it out.  
  
Ares: Is war too manly for our poor maiden goddess?  
  
Artemis: You'd better shut your mouth right now.  
  
Apollo: Don't ever speak to my sister that way!  
  
Artemis: Thanks Phoebus, I can handle myself.  
  
Ares: Aww, how touching.  
  
Hephaestus: We don't have time for this. Can we all just calm down?  
  
Apollo: You're right, I'm sorry.  
  
Dionysus: What about Hestia?  
  
Hestia: Me? Oh no. This is not a topic for me to discuss. I just hope it is over soon. All those families waiting for their husbands and brothers to come home.  
  
Ares: Ah, you make it out to be a bad thing.  
  
Artemis: Believe it or not, some of us do view war that way.  
  
Zeus: Well, I can only assume that you possess similar feelings, Demeter. Am I right?  
  
Demeter: Oh yes. I consider war to be a dreadful thing, and I'd rather not talk about it if I can help it.  
  
Zeus: Well that's everyone then. Until Hades arrives, that is.  
  
Apollo: Hades is coming?  
  
Zeus: Yes. Persephone is due to return today, and Hades said he would escort her up so that he could attend part of the meeting.  
  
Demeter: Oh that's right, I nearly forgot! My darling Persephone is coming home today!  
  
Hermes: Geez. Ol' Hades hasn't attended a staff meeting since the one where we decided to make Junior here an Olympian.  
  
Dionysus: Would you stop calling me that?  
  
Hermes: Sorry there, Tenderfoot.  
  
Dionysus: Dammit! Shut up!  
  
Zeus: Enough, Hermes.  
  
Hermes: Shutting up.  
  
Apollo: So when's the old wet blanket getting here?  
  
Hades: The old what?  
  
Zeus: About now.  
  
Apollo: Oh, nothing.  
  
Persephone: Mother!  
  
Demeter: Persephone!  
  
Hades: I assume much has already been discussed?  
  
Zeus: Indeed. We now would like your take on the matter.  
  
Hades: Well, I have no position either way, but the booking process is getting a bit backed up. I only have three judges, and Charon's ferry is only so big. It would be nice to have a reprieve from the crowds of incoming souls.  
  
Apollo: So you share the view that it should just end as soon as possible, regardless of who wins?  
  
Hades: Correct.  
  
Hera: See? I told you you shouldn't have pulled Paris out of that duel!  
  
Aphrodite: Will you stop bringing that up?  
  
Hades: If that was all you required, I shall take my leave now.  
  
Zeus: Yes, thank you Hades.  
  
Poseidon: I'm back! Hades! What are you doing here?  
  
Demeter: He was just leaving, actually.  
  
Zeus: Hades was here to share with us his opinion on the war.  
  
Poseidon: And?  
  
Mnemosyne: Look here.  
  
Poseidon: Ah.  
  
Hades: Goodbye.  
  
Demeter: . Wait! Mnemosyne, I beg you not to put that on the transcript!  
  
Mnemosyne: But Zeus did say to record everything.  
  
Zeus: I think we can let this one slide.  
  
Mnemosyne: Very well. If you say so.  
  
Apollo: So where were you anyway?  
  
Poseidon: Down with the Greeks.  
  
Aphrodite: What!?  
  
Poseidon: Yes, they were about to leave. I routed them on so they could retake a position on the shore.  
  
Demeter: Whatever for? The war could have ended.  
  
Poseidon: Exactly. Now that we gods have taken interest in this conflict, it should not be for the mortals to end it before we decide how that should be done.  
  
Apollo: So you just basically prolonged it until we reach a decision, is that right?  
  
Poseidon: Correct. For it would be a great waste of our time to have this meeting if the war were to end with no input from us. If there is one thing men should never do, it is waste the time of the gods.  
  
Zeus: Very well. I may not fully agree with you, but you make a good point. However, we have yet to achieve anything with this meeting.  
  
Ganymede: Pardon me profusely for interrupting, my Lord Zeus, but Prometheus has requested an audience with this council.  
  
Zeus: Prometheus?  
  
Poseidon: What could he possibly want?  
  
Hera: And at such a time, too. The nerve.  
  
Athena: Father, do not forget Prometheus' ability to see the future. Perhaps he has information that will be of use to us.  
  
Zeus: Yes, of course! Show him in, Ganymede.  
  
Ganymede: Yes, my lord.  
  
Hera: This had better be good.  
  
Ganymede: Prometheus, my lords.  
  
Prometheus: Good day to you all.  
  
Hera: Cut the pleasantries; what do you want?  
  
Prometheus: Ah yes. I'm aware of your discussion here, and I thought it might interest you to know that Achilles will soon rejoin the battle, and challenge Hector to a duel.  
  
Poseidon: That's it! The fate of the war can be decided by the winner of a duel between the champions of both sides!  
  
Zeus: Hold on for a moment. This is not a decision to take lightly. Not at all.  
  
Hera: What about your golden scales, dear?  
  
Apollo: His what?  
  
Zeus: Ah yes, of course! With them, I can weigh the destinies of both Hector and Achilles, and determine who the winner must be.  
  
Poseidon: Brilliant!  
  
Ares: Yes, truly inspired, father.  
  
Zeus: Prometheus, thank you. You are dismissed. Ganymede, get him some of Dionysus' wine on the way out.  
  
Ganymede: Yes, lord.  
  
Zeus: Well then, the golden scales. Let's just take a look.  
  
Apollo: Well, what does it say?  
  
Zeus: Just a moment; you can't rush these things, you know.  
  
Artemis: It's moving.  
  
Zeus: Ah! It is done! Hector's fate weighs the heaviest! He must lose the duel.  
  
Apollo: And then the outcome of the war will be decided by the mortals from there?  
  
Zeus: I suppose so. But remember, Achilles' destiny binds him to doom for rejoining. Soon both sides will be without their champions.  
  
Hera: But how are we going to make sure he wins?  
  
Athena: Oh, I'll take care of that.  
  
Aphrodite: And don't even pretend that you won't enjoy it, you stubborn girl.  
  
Athena: All right, I won't.  
  
Zeus: We'd better have a safeguard, just in case.  
  
Hephaestus: I've got a shield I've been working on; he can have that.  
  
Aphrodite: Hephaestus!  
  
Zeus: Good. I'm glad we finally got that settled.  
  
Poseidon: You mean you hope we finally got that settled.  
  
Zeus: Yes, that too.  
  
Dionysus: Are we done now?  
  
Zeus: Yes, I believe we are. Unless anyone has any other business that warrants discussion, I will bring this meeting to a close.  
  
Ares: I've got a gripe: what am I supposed to do once this war is over? Do you have any idea how boring that will be?  
  
Zeus: Meeting adjourned. 


End file.
